Expectations

I had the pleasure of giving a talk on mental health today and it spurred this train of thought in me. I was thinking about what I went through when I came out and I realized..what transpired wasn't actually about me being gay at all. It was about expectations.

When I came out, my mother (bless her and love her, she is probably reading this) was not the most supporitve. It's likely because she had expectations. Before kids are even born, parents give them names. Already making choices for them. Rightly so, I feel afraid thinking about what I would have named myself if I had the choice.

Before parents have kids, they imagine the lives they want their kids to live. Maybe they imagine their children as star athletes, doctors, lawyers, artists, homemakers, politicians, etc. Maybe they imagine their children being able-bodied, straight, liberal, beautiful, etc.

And then their children come into the world and suddenly, things start to change. Imagine a scenario in which a child's parent, an artist, is hoping and dreaming for their child to take up some artistic career. The parent enrolls this child in art classes, brings home coloring books and paint sets galore, devotes an entire room to the child's art and play. This is classic.

Many parents have visions for their children and try to nudge them in that direction. But there comes a day when your child is grown and knows more about themselves than even you do as a parent. So the kid whose parent is an artist tells his/her parent that they actually don't want to go to art school. They want to be a corporate lawyer.The parent is disappointed for a myriad of reasons.

"Why don't they want to be an artist? Why did I put all of this time and money into something they didn't even want? Why would they ever want to be a lawyer? They're going to hate it, they're going to live for money, they'll be miserable!!! I know what's best for them, they just don't see it yet."

This is what happened when I came out. My mom thought it was a kind of phase, that I would eventually end up with a man. That I would revert back to who I was before this realization. I crushed and obliterated all of the expectations she had for me. Her vision of my life as she saw it was shattered. And that was scary for her. It was scary for me too.

The same way my mom got scared because I was taking a detour, other parents will be scared when their children take detours of their own. It doesn't matter so much about the specifics. Whether it's that you're not straight or that you won't be following in the footsteps of your parents, whatever their reaction is, it's probably a result of their expectations not being met.

This happens every day. Not just with parents and their kids but with all of us. I had a friend who I saw could be an amazing writer. When they didn't pursue it full out, I was frustrated because my expectations and what I saw wasn't being met with pure enthusiasm.

And then I realized that my frustration wasn't actually supportive. That's not what this person needed from me. What we need from each other is unconditional support. We need to speak less about what WE see for people and instead ask THEM what they see for themselves. This is true support.