Self-Sabotage: The Stories You Make Up

Way back when in first grade, I along with a few other classmates got called to the board to solve math problems. My memory isn’t the greatest, I think I blacked out honestly. All I remember was being told that I got the problem wrong, crying because I was embarrassed, and lying about having a headache because I was embarrassed that I was crying.

We have these sorts of events from childhood that we still live from today. Events that taught us something about the world, other people, and ourselves.

I brought this up to my coach and she asked me just that, "What did you learn?".

That day, I learned that being seen is dangerous. Being seen and heard leaves me vulnerable and at risk of doing it wrong, saying something stupid, being embarrassed, looking like an idiot. It pretty much sends my ego into a frenzy.

It shows up today with leader figures. Any time I get called forth to be brilliant, to be seen and heard, my immediate reaction is from a place of rebellion and F*uck You. It shows up like agitation, impatience, restlessness.

I took a step back and as I’m sitting there with my coach in front of me, I look across the room to see my 3 highest and most noble commitments posted on the wall.

1. To live intentionally 2. To leave the world better 3. To love the people in my life unconditionally

Funny thing that I don’t want to be seen and yet have these commitments. They occur like oil and vinegar.

How will I leave the world better when I refuse to open my mouth? How will I live intentionally when I resist even being seen? How will I nurture my relationships if I avoid vulnerability? I won’t.

So, I could get all dark and broody about this. But I know that it’s just my default commitments showing up. Those things that, from fear, my autopilot commits to (hiding, being right, choosing the easy way out, justifying, etc). We’ve all got them. They all get in the way of our actual commitments, those we choose from love and purpose.

Writing this and posting it is a great way to practice breaking up my stories about my value (that I don’t have any) and about my default choice to stay comfortable.

What will you do today to break up your default commitments and shitty stories?