Coming Clean

Do you lead with your heart or with your head?

I personally don't like having heart conversations and I don't practice them often but oddly enough, I want them more than anything.

I'm good at head conversations. Full of logic and facts and things that make sense. They maintain my reputation as intelligent and wise and reasonable. I come across as calm, cool and collected. There's nothing wrong with that other than that it gets in the way of a lot for me. It protects me from getting attached to people and ideas, which in turn keeps me from opening up, which prevents me from things like hurt, heartbreak, disappointment, etc. I get to avoid all the downsides to heart conversations.

Then there are the downsides to the head conversations. Staying in my head gets in the way of deeply connecting with people and ideas. It keeps me from being fully known, expressed and understood. It keeps me from taking big scary unfamiliar leaps that actually excite me. It keeps me from allowing people to love me, from feeling a sense of belonging and intimacy. It keeps me from the ability to trust unconditionally. It also just keeps me from knowing myself that much more. It gets to be restrictive and painful for me not to speak from my heart... even as my head tells me to stop opening up. Because at that point, I'm completely out of control, not managing my interactions with people and circumstances.

Heart conversations feel like falling into a black hole. Who really knows what'll happen? That's the point.

When you step into unknown territory, the possibilities are endless. When you stay in your head, you know how it'll go. Life is predictable and safe. And quite frankly, a little boring.

Now, I haven't written in a while because my life isn't put together. From a head point of view, that's not something I should disclose because it'll make me lose my credibility. People would never hire me as a coach; they'll know too much about me and the put together persona that I try to keep up will be shattered. People will talk and gossip...apparently the world revolves around me. I HAVE TO make sure that I give no one a reason to look down on me in the slightest.

I'm really tired of withholding from everyone. It's exhausting, unauthentic, and censored. None of those align with who I want to be. I can't be bothered with who will think I'm a/an "insert negative characterization here." So long as what exits my mouth comes from my heart, it's all good.

P.S. Here's a list of what's not put together about my life:

1. I won't be a certified coach by July.

2. I'm still not making the amount of money that I want to make.

3. I still feel like money dictates some of my decisions.

4. My flavor of relationship has been Rocky Road.

5. I'm not en route to California "realistically".

6. I haven't written a book, put in consistent effort or chosen to go beyond my circumstances as much as I would like.

7. I'm not embodying Leader the way I know I can.

8. My self-love/worth needs work; I've got a few disempowering stories to put down.

9. Some days I feel disconnected and to myself, which is a yucky feeling.

That felt good to let out..okay, the end.