Coming Out of Hiding

I came out the summer going into my junior year of college. It was a painful experience but maybe I’ll save that for another post.

I distinctly remember moments where I tried to fit in. Be more girly, ya know, according to stereotypes. In middle school I wore my hair down more, didn’t hang around with the boys as much. In high school, I never made conversation about boys but when it got brought up, I’d try contribute in some way. In college, I got excited when I thought a boy was interested in me, I started to wear makeup and style my hair.

By the time I reached college, I was really sad. Of course I didn’t know it was because I was gay. I just thought, this college isn’t right for me, I don’t vibe with the people, all of my other friends are having a great time at their schools. Reflecting back I avoided looking inward at myself. It’s way easier to throw blame on everything and everyone else for my unhappiness. I did so much of that, it moved me to transfer colleges thinking that it would whisk all of my sadness away. Nope, it probably got worse after the initial excitement of transferring wore off. I continued to cry every night. I don’t say this because I want sympathy, I’m just trying to illustrate how badly avoidance and pretending worked out for me.

Eventually, I came out and the process royally sucked. It came with a ton of fear, anger, vulnerability and growing pains. But things did get better. It’s been about 2 years since I came out and I’m still creating the kind of relationships I want with my parents regarding my sexuality. At the end of the day, I am exceptionally more happy now than I was when I was trying to pretend for the benefit of others. Thank god hindsight is 20/20, right?

Holding back who I am is toxic but I realize it occurs everywhere. Like when I want to express my needs and hold back because I think it’ll end up ruining my entire life to open my mouth. I’ll save that topic for another post too. But I think you get what the eventual effect of holding back might be.

In writing this, I’m deciding to make it a practice to notice where I’m hiding, pretending, and/or holding back.

I’m hoping that whoever you are reading this, you get that- beyond the fear and the uncertainty- being as unapologetically you as possible is worth it in the end. It’s worth it to put who you are on loud speaker for everyone to notice because honestly, you’re probably an incredible individual. Even if you don’t think so, know that you have a lot to offer.

#millennials #HealthyMindset #happiness #creatives #Motivation #inspiration #personal #Life #LifeCoaching #lgbtq